sometimes it's weird. yuki is nothing short of a local star edging on that threshold of something bigger and brighter and so alarmingly compelling it makes mafuyu dizzy sometimes. especially when yuki comes back from a show -- the adrenaline and charisma of a shooting star and often the heat of it is focused then entirely on the one who belongs to him. lately, there are more and more shows mafuyu has missed, and he feels badly about it. truly, mafuyu tries to attend as many as he can, but his job keeps him fairly busy -- assistant to a young designer. it means he often gets castoff samples and people think he's better off than he is in the workforce. it means yuki gets some too, but mafuyu never forces him to wear them. it's just, if something is offered to him, and it reminds him of yuki, he'll bring it home and drape it over his preferred chair or fold it neatly on his side of the bed. if yuki happens to wear it, mafuyu's eyes will sparkle in a way not many people have seen.
their days are like this. domestic but a little not. people recognize mafuyu from yuki's socials. he gets stopped in the street apropos of nothing, feels awkward but his core kindness wins out even if sometimes he says things that make people double-take. hiiragi teases him if it ends up on trending things, which sometimes it does. shizu-chan tells him to be careful. syh's popularity is only growing. hiiragi and shizusumi have their own followings, and of course, the band as a whole.
sometimes mafuyu feels a little...
well. no. he's not lonely.
right?
certainly not alone.
right now, mafuyu does not feel that quiet sad heavy feeling anyway though. his scent, like something clean and soft, is bright and there's a faint blush stained across his cheeks. this could be chalked up to the change of seasons, cold enough to see your breath hang in the air whether by the sea or in the heart of the city. but it's not the temperature. the polar opposite of being left behind or too separate, mafuyu feels very much a part of yuki. it might be silly, the sweep of joy he feels at seeing him wearing mafuyu's scarf on a tv spot. no one else knows. well, hyper-fans probably do. but mostly, it's mafuyu. hiiragi. shizusumi. it's this he's thinking of when, somewhat out of the blue, a wave of nausea sweeps through him. when he gets home, it's the first time ever he's relieved yuki is out tonight for another live. mafuyu throws up until sweat mats his shirt to his back. his smell is thick in the bathroom and even most of the apartment. his brow knits. weird.
but it seems to pass.
except it happens again the next day, and the next, and the next. and there are other things too. he's insanely tired. one night, after one of yuki's lives he actually made it to, he falls asleep standing up against the back wall and wakes up to hiiragi chewing him out for it (transparently clear he's just worried and a little alarmed.) his body aches, his chest is sore and he conflates that with his heart. it's the last mis-diagnosis that has him actually going to a doctor.
the real cause elicits a quiet "Oh, I see. Thank you."
.
days go by in too much of a flurry, autumn leaves, guitar chords -- a whirlwind of love and anxiety though all of it seems to shine.
syh's latest single charted very high. yuki is extremely busy. and on top of it all mafuyu is faced with a very frightening truth: they've never talked about this. he can already hear hiiragi asking: how?! because for most pairs mated as long as yuki and mafuyu, it would have come up. but it's mafuyu's fault probably, for having so much trouble with words to begin with. and then there's the naturalness of yuki in his life, a puzzle piece completed by himself. it's what makes their few fights so bad, having very little language or processes in place to handle them like normal people. and now this?
he has to tell him. it's not a decision mafuyu would dare make on his own. over and over, he goes through the many ways he might do this, and looks for an optimal time; none of it seems right.
.
perhaps it's lucky then that one night at around the same time yuki comes back from practice, mafuyu isn't home even though he always, always is. truth be told: after another spell of nausea and sick, mafuyu fell asleep at his desk in the designer's office. he'd told himself he would just rest his eyes for a moment, but then fell asleep for real. he had meant to even text yuki in case he was running late, so he wouldn't worry, but the phone rests in his limp hand curled in his lap. ]